Just got around to watching Chingo Bling Lil Moco’s “Started from the Border” video [FEATURING CHiNGO BLING: SEE CORRECTION] (modeled after “Started from the Bottom,” obvs), and it’s really a return to form—Chingo’s old-school tactic of using sardonic humor to get a political message across, which he abandoned a bit recently in lieu of being more straightforward (well, straightforward for Chingo, shout to best-song-ever “Banda Makes Her Dance”). 

I still have a Chingo Bling SXSW promo poster from a few years back that says, “Welcome to TEJAS: home of George Bush, Chingo Bling, and 11 MILLION MEXICANS!” Hahaha.

"Fuck a big wall, homie, we can jump that." Also the vato-Drake’s 15 sharpied-on eye tears SO SO REAL (and, technically, cholo-art music criticism)! 

You’ve watched this Drake video. I have a pretty vocal opinion that Drake is a slight weiner but I love him both for it and regardless of it. He is at his weinerishest in this video, nerd joy and J.Lo leg orgasm face splashed all over it. Producer Mike Zombie basically made a Toronto Drive soundtrack, like if Johnny Jewel listened to dancehall/cared about subbass. (New adlibs I just made up based on the subs in this song: “wohrrr wohrrr,” “bom nrrreeerer.”)  I want Drake to tell me what brand of experience shower he owns, because one day I hope to purchase one. Bradford seems to be the most prominent maker of high quality aquatic vessels, I’m presently feeling their Experience Cabin most, with the VIP Suite basic as a perennial favorite, because #rave.

This is Aaliyah with her mother and best friend, Diane Haughton. When I was spearheading and shaping Fader’s Aaliyah issue, I got the opportunity to speak with her off the record about her daughter. We’re all still grieving for Aaliyah, but none more than Ms. Haughton. And if Drake had any iota of an inkling how to act, he would not have offered that piece of shit of a megalomaniacal verse on a track with a new sketch from Babygirl. I’ve been disdainful of the concept of him sharing songspace with her vocals because his narcissistic manipulative emotions are the antithesis of the deep pathos her reticent presence represented. But this is worse than I could have ever anticipated. F U Drake and while we’re at it, RIP Static Major. Respect to the Haughton family, Diane, Michael, Rashad. 

This is Aaliyah with her mother and best friend, Diane Haughton. When I was spearheading and shaping Fader’s Aaliyah issue, I got the opportunity to speak with her off the record about her daughter. We’re all still grieving for Aaliyah, but none more than Ms. Haughton. And if Drake had any iota of an inkling how to act, he would not have offered that piece of shit of a megalomaniacal verse on a track with a new sketch from Babygirl. I’ve been disdainful of the concept of him sharing songspace with her vocals because his narcissistic manipulative emotions are the antithesis of the deep pathos her reticent presence represented. But this is worse than I could have ever anticipated. F U Drake and while we’re at it, RIP Static Major. Respect to the Haughton family, Diane, Michael, Rashad. 

We move as a unit to the Hazelton’s ONE restaurant and grab a table. Drake tells me he would have liked to do the interview at his apartment but he’s having an experience shower installed.

A what?

“It’s a shower that’s lit by all LED lights,” he explains. “It has 10 jets, an overhead, and it sprays out lavender or whatever scents you want. It’s something I’ve always wanted.” Some guys buy chains and watches; Drake cops showers. His newfound affluence brings to mind a line from “Headlines,” the first single off his new album, Take Care: “I exaggerated a bit, now I got it like that.”

DRAKE GOT THE RAVE SHOWER THAT I TOTALLY WANT TO BUY FROM THE SKYMALL. ME AND HIM ARE BACK ON