You’ve watched this Drake video. I have a pretty vocal opinion that Drake is a slight weiner but I love him both for it and regardless of it. He is at his weinerishest in this video, nerd joy and J.Lo leg orgasm face splashed all over it. Producer Mike Zombie basically made a Toronto Drive soundtrack, like if Johnny Jewel listened to dancehall/cared about subbass. (New adlibs I just made up based on the subs in this song: “wohrrr wohrrr,” “bom nrrreeerer.”)  I want Drake to tell me what brand of experience shower he owns, because one day I hope to purchase one. Bradford seems to be the most prominent maker of high quality aquatic vessels, I’m presently feeling their Experience Cabin most, with the VIP Suite basic as a perennial favorite, because #rave.

I’m so obsessed. I’m also gonna be honest, I really have doubted Drake’s sincerity vis a vis his emotionalism (for one I lived through [and never liked much] emo rock, also there’s my upbringing which bred an inherent wariness of smooth talk as pussy path), but the fact that dude got this shit installed in his crib kinda convinces me. I haven’t worked through it yet. Maybe it’s just that now he’s got something that I want. 

We move as a unit to the Hazelton’s ONE restaurant and grab a table. Drake tells me he would have liked to do the interview at his apartment but he’s having an experience shower installed.

A what?

“It’s a shower that’s lit by all LED lights,” he explains. “It has 10 jets, an overhead, and it sprays out lavender or whatever scents you want. It’s something I’ve always wanted.” Some guys buy chains and watches; Drake cops showers. His newfound affluence brings to mind a line from “Headlines,” the first single off his new album, Take Care: “I exaggerated a bit, now I got it like that.”

DRAKE GOT THE RAVE SHOWER THAT I TOTALLY WANT TO BUY FROM THE SKYMALL. ME AND HIM ARE BACK ON